Anniversary gift

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by Redfish-Joe, Aug 18, 2009.

  1. Redfish-Joe

    Redfish-Joe Senior Member

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    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th
    anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
    pocket/puse-sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
    assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

    WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and
    pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal
    surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.. AWESOME!!!

    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what the burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all the bad with only two triple-A batteries,
    right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently ( trusting little soul ) while I was reading the directions and
    thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

    I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie ( for a fraction of a second ) and thought better of it. She is such a
    sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that
    it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
    directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
    assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second
    burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
    would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
    circumference; pretty cute really and ( loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, ' no possible way!'

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head
    cocked to one side as to say, ' don't do it dummy,' reasoning that a second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't
    hurt all that bad.

    I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh. pushed the button,
    and...HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION...WHAT THE HEY!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie
    Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over
    again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples
    on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling
    in my legs?

    The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the
    fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
    Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a second
    burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about
    on the floor...A three second burst would be considered conservative? IT HURT LIKE HECK!!!

    A minute or so later ( I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at the point ), I collected my wits ( what little I had
    left ), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was
    upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

    My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
    botttom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over drolling.

    Apparently I pooped on myself, but was to numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud
    above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for the
    safe return!

    P.S..... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
    If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!
     
  2. Lancer

    Lancer Junior Member

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    I took me 10 minutes to stop laughing, get up off the floor and wipe my eyes so I could type this. :newsmile100:I wanna say, What were you thinking??? However you probably just saved me from doing the same thing one day only with a wiener dog watching. Glad your ok though, hope the testicles show soon. It just seems to be something a manly man would have to try. :)
     
  3. garlab1

    garlab1 Member

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    alright Joe, couldn't stop laughing, had to get my wife so we both got a good laugh, too funy!!!!!!

    Bought her pepper spray for x-mas last year, never crossed my ming.
     
  4. USMCCWO5

    USMCCWO5 Junior Member

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    I laugh everytime I read this story. Well written description, just makes you wonder....:20:
     
  5. kman

    kman Member

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    OK, I just finished cleaning up the coffe that came out of my nose. That is one of the funniest things I have ever read. I have to confess, I once thought the same thing about those devices that run off AAA bateries, but now "I believe". Thanks for the laugh, I needed that. Hope your testies are ruturned safe and uncooked, not medium rare.:newsmile100:
     
  6. paulmack

    paulmack Active Member

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    Laughed uncontrollably. Glad you're ok and also glad you posted this so maybe none of the rest of us will try that.
     
  7. Redfish-Joe

    Redfish-Joe Senior Member

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    WwWaaASssnn'Tt tthhhat bBaaadddd:p
     
  8. glider

    glider Veteran Member

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    Joe, were you shivering when you typed that? :lolrolling
     
  9. HarryB737

    HarryB737 Junior Member

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    Thank-you... Just came in from a hard day at work, I laughed out loud. Had to go back & read it again... Even though I knew what was going to happen. I laughed again... I needed that... If you have any more stories PLEASE let us hear them !!!... :D
     
  10. Rewind

    Rewind Active Member

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    I just wish I could have been there to see it in person!!!