Bare with me, I have an obscure sense of humor 1. A fish was swimming up a river when he hit his head. "DAM!" 2. When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he didn't make lemonade, he ate them whole and gave birth to Big Bird. 3. (Semi long story joke, but definitely worth it.) An old lady walks into a grocery store and tells an attendant "I'd like to buy half a head of lettuce." The attendant, perplexed, replies "Ma'am, I'm not really sure we can do that." The woman insisted, "Well I want to buy half a head of lettuce." At this point the employee got a little frustrated and asked "Why don't you just buy the whole thing? It doesn't cost much more if you buy it whole." The old lady sternly replied "I want to buy half a head of lettuce and only half." The employee tells her he will have to find his manager to ask if it's even possible and turns around to find the manager, not knowing the little old lady is following closely behind. The employee finds his manager and says "Man, this old bag over here wants me to sell her half a head of lettuce..." The employee turns around after he says this only to see the lady standing right behind him. He follows up quickly with "And this fine lady wants to buy the other half!" The manager, impressed with his timing and ability to save himself from such a situation, says "Hey that was impressive, you've got real skills. You know what, we have another store up in Michigan in need of a manager. How about you go up there, you can run the whole store!" The employee replied, "Michigan? Only people in Michigan are hockey players and hookers." To which the now disgruntled manager says, "My grandmother lives in Michigan..." The employee finally replies "Oh? What team does she play for?"