The "real" tool Dictionary

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by wildspirit97, Dec 16, 2008.

  1. wildspirit97

    wildspirit97 Senior Member

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    TOOL DICTIONARY
    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted fender which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh(EDITED)
    ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
    SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
    BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing job.
    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
    VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
    WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
    OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
    TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity or removing extra fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh (EDITED)
    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
    EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
    E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
    BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
    CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
    AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
    PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive part adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
    MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
    DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling (EDITED) at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.


    [notes]
    A Friendly Reminder - Harley Davidson Community
    [/notes]
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 27, 2009
  2. Redrubicon2004

    Redrubicon2004 Member

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    I can easily say that everything on this list has personally happend to me.
     
  3. Apyle

    Apyle Junior Member

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    WOW, as a former mechanic your descriptions sound extremely accurate!!:D
     
  4. Mattman4403

    Mattman4403 Junior Member

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    This answers so many questions. I now understand that what I thought were mistakes were actually correct usages for these tools. what a releif!!
     
  5. NEWHD74FAN

    NEWHD74FAN Experienced Member Retired Moderators

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    Heck, I did not realize my shop had so many versatile items...so many of them come with warnings that...huh?...whats that oily paper under the stock I'm working on anyway...?
    uh...oh...Instructions?? no room on my workbench for them...guess I'll put 'em in the round file, it's empty right now, I'll get 'em out later when I need too... :bigsmiley6:
     
  6. Doug_09ultra

    Doug_09ultra Junior Member

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    Wild,
    You must be the new guy I've seen at the shop. Quit watching ME and get to work!:bigsmiley33:
     
  7. Retrop

    Retrop Active Member

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    I have to go change my pants now. Too funny.
    Have you ever been under your car and banged your forehead on the frame? The next thing you do is react by slamming the back of your head on the concrete floor. Next, you slam your head forward in reaction to slamming your head backward. This can go on for several minutes or until your wife come out and screams "what the(edit) are you screaming about". Mercifully, she then drags your bloody head and body out from under the car.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 4, 2009
  8. Forgetful1

    Forgetful1 Member

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    that was great