Qantas Airlines Repair Forms

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by gasbag, Mar 5, 2009.

  1. gasbag

    gasbag Active Member

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    After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

    Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas' pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers.

    By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident!

    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

    P: Something loose in the cockpit.
    S: Something tightened in the cockpit.

    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    S: Live bugs on back order.

    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

    P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.

    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.

    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That's what friction locks are for.

    P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

    P: Suspected crack in windshield.
    S: Suspect you're right.

    P: The number 3 engine is missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.

    P: Aircraft handles funny.
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

    P: Target radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

    P: Mouse in cockpit.
    S: Cat installed.

    P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
    S: Took hammer away from the midget.
     
  2. rothladoad

    rothladoad Account Removed

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    Equally as funny at 10:00 at night.Thanks!
     
  3. rothladoad

    rothladoad Account Removed

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    I think Biglew would like these a lot.
     
  4. NEWHD74FAN

    NEWHD74FAN Experienced Member Retired Moderators

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    RichardS would like the next to the last one!:bigsmiley20:
     
  5. T wrecks

    T wrecks Junior Member

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    On our last overseas jaunt, the Qantas flight to Singapore was about half an hour late taking off from Brisbane. Over the PA, the Aussie pilot assured us all..."Don't worry folks, we'll ring the neck out of this old girl and arrive on time in Singers"......and we did!! :shock
     
  6. Billua

    Billua Active Member

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    Those maintainence squawks and fixes are about as old as the airplane itself...
    But, still classic!

    I wrote one up the other night after a passenger got sick..

    It read "Projectile vomit spewed all over seats and floor in row 21"

    Had to make sound as gross as it was :D
     
  7. Dr. Dolittle

    Dr. Dolittle Experienced Member Staff Member Moderator Contributor

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    I've seen those many times but I still laugh every time I read them!
     
  8. buddybr

    buddybr Active Member

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    I worked on aircraft components in my younger days. I forget what the part was but the equipment repair order read, "Will not work in the OFF position." I guess whoever wrote it thought OFF meant "On full force." :D
     
  9. rhino

    rhino Banned

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    sounds like my work order for my bike at the dealer.
     
  10. e7171

    e7171 Member

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    As a former Aircraft Mechanic in the Air Force, I can appreciate the fun mechanics have with pilots. We used to do stuff like that all the time.