pocket taser

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by Davidw2415, Mar 26, 2008.

  1. Davidw2415

    Davidw2415 Senior Member

    This is one of
    those stories where you begin to chuckle....then find yourself laughing
    out loud.

    Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A
    guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted

    Last weekend I saw
    something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The
    occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something
    extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
    pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with
    no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time
    to retreat to safety....

    'WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and
    brought it home.

    I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and
    pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that
    if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same
    time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between
    the prongs.


    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to
    Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so
    I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be
    all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

    There I sat in my recliner, my
    cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading
    the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on
    a flesh & blood moving target.

    I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction
    of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I
    was going to give this thin g to my wife to protect herself against a
    mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I

    So, there I sat in
    a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately
    on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

    The directions said
    that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a
    two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of
    bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant
    flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three
    seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this
    little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in
    circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
    triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

    What happened next is almost
    beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie
    looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it
    master,' reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole
    thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second
    burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed
    the button, and ............


    I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through
    the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet,
    over and over and over again.

    I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
    position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
    testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
    the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

    The cat was standing over me
    making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,
    undoubtedly thinking to herself, 'Do it again, stupid, do it

    Note: If you ever feel
    compelled to 'mug'
    yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing
    as a one-second burst when you zap yourself!

    You will not let go of that
    thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on
    the floor.

    A three-second burst would be considered

    SON-OF-A-... That hurt like **%!!! A minute or so
    later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I
    collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
    landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace
    How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
    still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and
    my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm
    offering a significant reward for their safe return!! Still in

    P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me
    with it!

    'If you think Education is difficult, try being
  2. Apyle

    Apyle Junior Member

    That is one of those tough life lessons that I keep hearing about, isn't it.:lolrolling
  3. twicecam

    twicecam Active Member

    Stupid is as Stupid does
  4. Davidw2415

    Davidw2415 Senior Member

    That's what Mama always said.
  5. glider

    glider Veteran Member

    You're just cruel.....but it must have been funny!:bigsmiley10:
  6. gunnut

    gunnut Junior Member

    THAT was sooo funny!!!thankyou.......Try swallowing real hard,and I'm sure your golden chestnuts will show up again :lolrolling:bigsmiley20:
  7. dhog

    dhog Active Member

    Yes we do need Darwin:reyes