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Jokes Free for all Hijack at will

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.

One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?'

The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out.

It's probably just your Dad.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?''

The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'

The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class.

As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!'

While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.

She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!'
 
thanks for getting this one going again Dave..using candel light power is off on the island every night for 3-8 hours so enjoy the humor....typing by cadel light doesnt work so wwell
 
RANDOM QUOTES

"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
-Erma Bombeck

"Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas."
-Paula Poundstone

"So far on my 30-day diet, I lost 18 days."
-Terry McEntire

"A filing cabinet is a place where you can lose things systematically."
-T.H. Thompson

"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose."
-George Carlin

"If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"
-Milton Berle

"The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about."
-Evan Esar

"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."
-Lily Tomlin

"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper."
-Jerry Seinfeld

"A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year."
-Marty Allen

"My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine."
-Caroline Rhea

"I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on."
-Roseanne Barr

"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
-Doug Larson

"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life - unless I buy something."
-Jackie Mason
 
CAREFUL WHAT YOU SAY

At a wedding party recently someone yelled, "All the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was crushed to death.
 
lorne said:
CAREFUL WHAT YOU SAY

At a wedding party recently someone yelled, "All the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was crushed to death.
Click to expand...

:lolrolling Yea and they better order a double shot to ease the beatun they are gonna get when they get home.

You got some good ones there buddy. Where do you find these things with so many proverbs ? :bigsmiley24: Don't answer, I don't want to know, I'm just really impressed with some of them. Like these two especially.

-----
"If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"
-Milton Berle
--
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life - unless I buy something."
-Jackie Mason
-----

Those are hilarious. And on the second one, could probably expand it to fit a lot of folks if it said,
" as long as I don't live much longer than 6 or 7 more years " :lolrolling
 
I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?'

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?

--------------------------------------------------------------

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. 'Young man, we're both 90 years old, ' the husband said ..'We may not have 45 minutes.' They were seated immediately.
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The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would 'hate' to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
------------------------------------------------------------
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
-- -----------------------------------------------------------

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'

Artie said: ' I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'

Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'

Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'
--------------------------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... 'God, what does a million years mean to you?'

The Lord replies, 'A minute.'
Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?'

The Lord replies, 'A penny.'
'Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?'
'The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'

-------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to a shrink and says, 'Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?'
'Relax,' says the Doctor, 'take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?'
--------------------------------------------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. 'Give me one last request, dear,'he said.
'Of course, John,' his wife said softly.
'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry George.'
'But I thought you hated George,' she said.
With his last breath John said, 'I do!'

--------------------------------------

A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'

The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?'
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison'
 
Another Blonde Joke

A blonde is on board a small two-seater airplane when suddenly the pilot dies. Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio and shouts.
"Mayday, mayday! My pilot just died!"

Ground control received her call for help and answers back: "Don't worry, madam. I'll talk you down, just do as I say. First I need you to give me your height and position."

The Blonde says, "I'm 5"2' and sitting in the right front seat."

Ground control: Looks at his partner, and then says "Repeat after me: Our Father..... which art in Heaven. . . . "
 
'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'

'Yes, what can I do for you?'

'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.'

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descends on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'

'Yeah!'

'Did they chop your firewood?'

'Yep!'

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun).
 
R_W_B said:
'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'

'Yes, what can I do for you?'

'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.'

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descends on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'

'Yeah!'

'Did they chop your firewood?'

'Yep!'

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun).
Click to expand...



one of my favorites....thanks RWB :D:D
 
‎..Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: - Knowing when to come in out of the rain; - Why the early bird gets the worm; ... - Life isn't always fair; - And maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies, don't spend more than you can earn and adults, not children, are in charge. His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife Discretion, his daughter Responsibility, and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, do nothing....:~)))
 
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