COSHH - Control of Substances Hazardous to Health

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by cedarbrook63, Nov 28, 2009.

  1. cedarbrook63

    cedarbrook63 Junior Member

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    I love this forum and for this thread I may get banned for blatent chauvinism but I can't resist.
    In the UK we have a state body called the Health and Safety Executive (e.g. watch that sharp pencil - you could stab yourself or loose an eye!!!! You catch my drift). They provide info on dangerous substances in the workplace - COSHH - Control of Substances Hazardous to Health. Well in one of the hospitals I worked in a COSHH certificate circulated in the doctor's mess as follows:

    Hazardous Materials Information Bulletin

    Material Safety/Data Sheet

    "WOMAN" - Chemical Analysis

    Element - Woman
    Symbol - Wo
    Discoverer - Adam
    Atomic Mass - Accepted as 118lbs but can fluctuate widely between 88-440lbs

    1. Physical Properties:

    1.1 Surface usually covered with painted film
    1.2 Boils at nothing; freezes without any known reason
    1.3 Melts if given special treatment
    1.4 Bitter if incorrectly treated
    1.5 Found in various natural states from virgin metal to commen ore
    1.6 Yields to pressure applied at correct points

    2. Chemical Properties

    2.1 Has great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious stones
    2.2 Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
    2.3 May explode spontaneously without warning and for no known reason
    2.4 Insoluble in liquid but pliability greatly increased by alcohol saturation
    2.5 The most powerful financial reducing agent known to man

    3 Common Uses

    3.1 Highly ornamental, especially on a Harley Davidson
    3.2 Can be a great aid to relaxation
    3.3 Very effective cleaning and nutritional aid

    4 Special Tests

    4.1 Pure specimens turn rosy pink when discovered in natural state
    4.2 Turns green when placed beside a better specimen

    5 Potential Hazards

    5.1 Highly dangerous except in experienced hands
    5.2 Illegal to possess more than one specimen. Several can be maintained
    at different locations as long as they do not come into direct contact with
    each other

    Forgive me girls - it was a moment of comedic weakness and madness:hii
     
  2. RetiredJake

    RetiredJake Junior Member

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    How do I keep the wife from seeing this :lolrolling
     
  3. Redfish-Joe

    Redfish-Joe Senior Member

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    They say you can't figure women out. Seems like the nail was hit squarely on the head.:newsmile100:
     
  4. cedarbrook63

    cedarbrook63 Junior Member

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    Sorry Jake - sell the bike, burn the computer and leave home. It's the only way..... :lolrolling
     
  5. NEWHD74FAN

    NEWHD74FAN Experienced Member Retired Moderators

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    Should have added that while it has an affinity for silver, gold, etc. regarding chemical properties, it is still considered the "Queen" of noble metals...:D
     
  6. SixPak

    SixPak Junior Member

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    :lolrolling That's hillarious. And sooooo true and accurate!
     
  7. cedarbrook63

    cedarbrook63 Junior Member

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    Can you put me down for a Charming graft R. if you ever think of becoming a donor?? :D

    I gotta remember that.....
     
  8. T wrecks

    T wrecks Junior Member

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    :lolrolling