Colonoscopy Journal

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by Redfish-Joe, Feb 26, 2012.

  1. Redfish-Joe

    Redfish-Joe Senior Member

    ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry was a Pulitzer Prize-winning humour columnist for the Miami Herald.

    Colonoscopy Journal:

    I called my friend Andy Sable, a Gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a Colonoscopy.

    A few days later in his office, Andy showed me a colour diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .
    Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

    I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, "HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET LONG UP YOUR BEHIND!"

    I left Andy's office with some written instructions and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say, that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies..

    I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

    Then on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavour.

    Then in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system like me, a litre I think is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

    The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, "a loose, watery bowel movement may result."

    This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

    MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic here but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

    After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

    The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, "What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologise to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough."

    At the clinic, I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

    Then a nurse named Eddie, put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full 'Fire Hose' mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

    When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point..

    Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

    There was music playing in the room, and I realised that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy, that of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

    "You want me to turn it up?" said Andy from somewhere behind me..

    "Ha ha," I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself because I am going to tell you in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

    I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

    Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over and that my colon had passed with flying colours. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

    On the subject of Colonoscopies...
    Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

    1. "Take it easy Doc.. You're boldly going where no man has gone before."

    2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

    3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

    4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

    5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

    6. "Any sign of the trapped miners Chief?"

    7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

    8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

    9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"

    10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

    11. "You used to be an executive at Enron didn't you?"

    12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."

    And the best one of all:
    13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"
  2. HDDon

    HDDon Experienced Member Contributor Retired Moderators

    I loved reading Dave Berry. Thanks Joe. My wife still thinks it is up there somewhere.
  3. R_W_B

    R_W_B Senior Member

    LOL :rofl LOL I've heard a lot of colonoscopy jokes but this one has got to be one of the best yet. I cracked up so bad I almost hurt my colon. These two here especialy.

    I don't want to be too graphic here but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch?

    I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full 'Fire Hose' mode.

    Of course those of us who have actually had this procedure can more fully appreciate the humor. Only not sure what went wrong on mine, I was fully awake the whole time. Kinda painful in some areas. Guess maybe the Veterans hospital don't use a strong enough sedative. Good post though, hilarious actually.
  4. HDDon

    HDDon Experienced Member Contributor Retired Moderators

    Maybe you needed to use the Vodka formula!!:small3d023::small3d023:
  5. Ishmael

    Ishmael Active Member

    Barry was definitely a funny guy. But on a more serious note, all of us over 50 should have this procedure. As I recall, colon ca deaths are # 2 on the list of death caused by cancer according to a recent study. Ignore the embarrassment and discomfort of the prep and get it done. I lost my best friend to colon ca in 1995. I still miss him. Sorry, getting off the box now.
    Ish, just in from a cool 45 degree hop on the Sporty.
  6. HDDon

    HDDon Experienced Member Contributor Retired Moderators

    Ishmael sorry about your friend, and your right about having the procedure. On a lighter note Berry's description of the before is priceless.
  7. The4opps1

    The4opps1 Junior Member

    Ishmael, I am sorry about your buddy. You bring up a really good point. All of us over 50 should have this procedure. It's not that bad, and the minor inconvenience could save your life. I kind of hemmed and hawed when it came my time to have it done. Truth be told, my doctor at the time put it this way to me:" I had it done, and if you don't have it done my the next time you need to see me, don't bother coming back". It moved me to get it done....Please, if you have not had this done, talk to your doctor and don't put it off......
  8. STEVE07

    STEVE07 Well-Known Member Staff Member Super Moderators

    Yes those of us that have had the procedure can sure relate to the monolouge,the humour is great,I always liked Dave Berry.
    Myself after having 3 ft. of my intestines removed and the follow up operations,I won't willingly ever go to another doctor for any procedure that involves those areas!:(
  9. gator508

    gator508 Senior Member

    OK - Joe

    I am now cleaning my computer screen, should not have taken a gulp of coffee while I was reading this one.

    #13 is the best!
  10. dbmg

    dbmg Experienced Member

    Its not all that bad. I will agree that the day before is difficult drinking all the pond scum. But on the day of the procedure and recover, and the rest of that day and the next was the best for I had no worries or cares till the anesthetic wore off. Then hello reality...:D